I’m sorry

….but I don’t think I’ll be blogging anymore.

I know this effects like, two people, but I still figured I should say something instead of just disappearing off the face of the earth.

The reasons for this are twofold:

1. I don’t think it’s been good for my marriage. I need to focus on it and be there all the time, and that post I wrote “Get out of my head”? It made me realize that these feelings started when I started blogging. I’m not sure why writing a few posts on the internet made me so discombobulated, but it did. I’ve felt better during these last few weeks when I haven’t been writing. Instead, I’m going to put the energy and thoughts about this blog into my husband.

2. H and I were talking one night and we started discussing blogs. He was very disapproving about the whole idea, even when the blog is about shidduchim, not marriage (I didn’t tell him I have one, of course). He made a good point and it made me think. He said that in the area of marriage, especially, tznius is so important. Your marriage, and what goes on in it, is so private, and it should only be between you and your spouse. And while I argued the point at the time, I’ve thought about it a lot in the last few weeks. And I think he’s right. Not that I’ve ever said anything too revealing. But I’m starting to agree with him, and I also know he’ll be really upset if he ever found out about this. It would be a betrayal of his trust. And I can’t do that to him.

It’s been fun. Don’t worry, I’ll still be commenting on all of your blogs! But the jig’s up for me. Thank you all for reading!

Marriage Modesty

I’m doing a report on tznius and modesty in the modern world (due tomorrow, yeah right it’s going to be finished on time) and while I was researching it, I got to thinking. All that blather our teachers spew at us in high school and seminary about “attractive but not attracting” and “tznius is for yourself, not for men” really begins to make a lot more sense once you’re married.

Not to say if didn’t make sense while I was single. I was never an Orthoslut (as H so nicely puts those chicks who ju-u-u-st get by with tugging and pulling on skirts and waistbands), even when many of my friends were – though it’s more a high school phase. But your heart is really fighting with your mind here. As much as I wanted to look nice and tznius and as religious as I felt I should be, I also wanted to look good. Alright, I’ll admit it. I wanted to look hot. And any girl who says she doesn’t like appreciative glances from guys is totally lying.

But I fought the urge and I think I passed for the slightly yeshivish-open minded-not BY girl that I am. And I got married and a whole new world of modesty is now open to me.

It’s harder for me to get dressed in the morning. The motivation to look good for shidduchim, or impress other girls, or look pretty, just isn’t present in the same way. Of course I want to look pretty for H, and I do. But he’s also seen me at my worst and at my best, it’s harder to put in the effort when I know that he’s seen me without makeup, anyway. I don’t need to look nice every second “just in case”. I don’t care as much about other girls opinions because they are no longer potential shadchans.

And then I started thinkin’. Would I have just thrown on a sweatshirt every day when I was single if not for the ever-present fear of meeting someone important? Would I not have put so much effort into my makeup without guys to impress? And I’ve come to the conclusion – yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

And that disturbs me a little bit. Do I put so little value in my appearance that I only do it to impress others? On the other hand, the desire to dress to impress is much less, which makes it much easier for me to be tznius.

So which is better, a total lack of caring or a hard mitzva made easier? I’m not sure. I do try to look nice most of the time, I’m exaggerating a little bit that I totally don’t care. I do. Sometimes I get in these fits of ugliness and run to put on makeup and nice clothes. Most of the time I look pretty decent. But I don’t worry as much. I dress to please me more and others less. And I think that’s a pretty good thing, all in all.

Then again, I hear that some wives like to dress even more untznuis, so there husband isn’t shamed that he has an unattractive wife, or so he won’t look at all the other sluttily dressed wives. And that makes me very very sad.

Dropping the ball

I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather, as you might have been able to tell from my last post. I just re-read it now and I was like, what was I thinking? But I guess everyone’s allowed to have a bad day now and again.

I’ve been dropping the ball when it comes to school. Officially I start at 10, but I haven’t been at that class in ages because I keep taking a later train into school. I’m just so tired all the time – stressed out at work, and tutoring, and H. It’s a lot. It’s like I said to H yesterday – it’s like my life is a triangle: marriage, work, and school, and I can only have two at a time. I can either be married and in school, or in school and working, or married and working, but I cannot be all three at once. I don’t think there will be any serious repercussions (it’s Touro, what do you want) but I still feel horribly guilty. Even though officially I’m “all growed up” my first instinct yesterday (when I stayed home cause the first thing I did when I got up was throw up and no, I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant) was to call my mother and ask her permission to skip school. Pathetic, I know, but old habits die hard.

Priorities, priorities.

Last week my mother called me with a shidduch suggestion for a friend of mine, and when she called she said, “Well, I have this boy I met,” and my first reaction was, “Oooh, what’s he like?” – as if he was for me! As bad as dating can be, there is that little flash of interest and excitement, to know someone is thinking about you at all in “that way”. Of course, once the whole checking him out/waiting for a reply thing sets in, the flash fades – but there is still a tingle of excitement while you anticipate the date, choose your outfit, and the moment right before he comes when you feel like you’re going to throw up. Ah, dating. It’s an experience like no other.

Learner/Earner

Ah, the learner/earner. The elusive boy, working but koveia ittim, worldly yet grounded in a Torah lifestyle. Many girls long passionately for him, but the learner/earner is a rare find indeed.

That’s the type of guy I wanted, and hardly anyone (actually, nobody except the shadchan who set H and I up) actually listened to me. They set me up on a disastrous date with a learner, they set me up with total nebach cases (ie: working only, dropped of yeshiva, or slightly off, you know what I mean), they set me up with guys who could not be distinguished from a bum off the street. I say “earner/learner”. It’s a valid term for shidduch purposes! In what way does “earner/learner” sound like “bum”, “reject”, “modern” or even “not religious”? Geez. Anyway, I digress.

But in the end, B”H, I got exactly what I wanted. My husband goes to yeshiva in the morning and goes to school in the afternoon. He will, if everything works out (please God, please!) go to medical school next year or so. A learner/earner, indeed. See girls? They do exist!

Now, I knew when I married H that he would not be able to be in yeshiva part time once he’s in medical school, and maybe not even when he’s in pre-med, like now. Next semester his schedule looks pretty busy, so he probably won’t be able to go at all. H wants to learn every day, he knows he has to, so he’s going to try and organize a chavrusa or something. But nothing’s definite.

But I guess seminary had more of an impact on me that I realized (and I did not go to a BY seminary in any sense of the word). Yesterday, H skipped yeshiva because he had too much homework to catch up on (which, in my opinion, he could have done the night before, but H’s a big procrastinator). And it really upset me. And when I heard that he wouldn’t be able to go to yeshiva next semester, that upset me too.

When I’m working and tutoring and going to school, I know that I’m making money – and learning in order to eventually make money – so that while H is in medical school I can work. I know this. I knew this the whole time. But it makes me feel even better when I know he’s in yeshiva, learning. And I never, ever thought I would feel this way. It’s so weird, it goes against everything I thought I knew about myself. But I guess I can still surprise me. I love knowing my husband is in the bais medresh, learning, shteiging away. It gives me a level of spiritual satisfaction that is absent when I know H is “just” in college.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my husband is doing something smart and admirable. And I know I’ll never be a kollel wife. But I guess I have more of that in me than I though.

Torah is the ikur, huh?

Shabbos Guests

My mother never liked having shabbos guets too much. She worked really hard and so by the end of the week, all she wanted to do was sit down and relax.

But I love having shabbos guests! The cooking and cleaning is very tiring, and it can be a little expensive, but it’s so nice! When it’s just H and me, we’re too lazy to get out of the house at all, so we get stir crazy and start snipping at each other a little bit. Plus, it just doesn’t feel as shabbostic when it’s only the two of you, he wearing his undershirt all day, and you in a mishmash of snood, his T-shirt, and some shleppy skirt cause you’re too lazy to get dressed in the morning. We always get dressed for Friday night, though.

But I’m happy. I liked to cook and make a beautiful meal, it gives me great enjoyment to see people scarfing up my food. I’m having a few of my friends over for the meals, and I told them to bring wine. Should be yummy.

Ah, shabbos. What would we do without it?

Oh, and I just had another thought about shabbos guests. I have a friend from sem who’se really sweet and nice. She just moved to my city to go to college, and she called me right away and said, “Can I come for Shabbos?” Now, she is a really great girl. We get along swimmingly. The only problem is….she dresses really slutty. Really, really slutty.

And a big part of me was like, I don’t want her around my husband. Especially for all of shabbos. She’s also very flirty in that kind of I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing kinda way. I spoke to H about it and he’s like, well, of COURSE you are the most beautiful girl I know and I would NEVER look at another girl (he he he’s learning well) but I don’t know if it’s the best thing to have her in the house. So then a part of me went, “Omg! You’re going to be looking at her!”. Well, when I got other THAT, I was like, well, it’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that why bring something into my house that he and I are not comfortable with? I’m not a miss BY innocent girl over here, but she dressed so bad that even when I was in Israel walking around with her I was embarrassed to be seen with her. He clothes were (and still are) skintight. It’s shocking. Shocking!

But she asked me again if she could come for shabbos…in person. I was like, sure! But help! What should I do? How do I not have in her my home without hurting her feelings?

Body Image

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, body image in marriage. It’s very different than being single.

Society, especially NY society, places a lot of emphasis on being thin. Girls diet and diet themselves down to that elusive 2 (or 0, really, for that matter) in the hopes that being thinnest will make them the best. It’s a lot of pressure, especially when you are….well, not a 2. Not even close.

So while I was dating, I knew that I got rejections because of the way I looked. I had dates, and truthfully I wasn’t so into dating in general, but they could have been more. And it bothered me a little bit, but my philosophy was, “Hey. If he isn’t going to go out with me because he heard that I’m not thin, then I don’t want him anyway.” And I didn’t. Want those guys, I mean.

And then I met my husband, and he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the room. I’m not thin, not nearly. Probably never will be.  By my husband loves every inch of me, and always has. But what means the most to me about this is, not that he’s objectively attracted to my body type, but that he makes me feel beautiful.

So I should be happy, right?

I guess just I can’t believe him all of the time. A lifetime of being somewhat insecure (though really, not much more than anyone else) about my looks does not dissapear in a few months of marriage. Many girls are very insecure about they way they look, even if they are beautiful. Girls can spend hours and hours discussing thier flaws. And just because you get married to a guy who obviously finds you attractive (or else he would not have married you, trust me)…should I instantly belive that I am beautiful? Does one guy thinking you are pretty make you pretty? What if you were really ugly, but your husband thought you were gorgeous? Should the one person who matters most in your life finding you attractive matter more than the rest of the world who, really, doesn’t give a darn about you?

Probably. I’ll try to convince myself. What do you think?

Kosher…ish?

Before I got married I was understandably, well, nevouse about the whole wedding-night thing. I asked my married friends (oh, they were oh-so-wise) all my questions, and my friend, who had gotten married well over a year before (I know, 18, child bride) reffered me to Calm Kallahs.

Now, I don’t know how many of you know what Calm Kallahs is. Basically, it’s a website that, while touting itslef as a kind of “one-stop Kallah shop” is actually just a website that has a link to message boards that have several topics. Of course, the only ones people read are the “Intimacy” ones. They even have a special one for kallahs, so when I logged on the first time I was really excited.

Now,  I am not a sheltered girl. Obviously, I am more sheltered than your average secular young adult, but I’ve watched my fare share of movies and read bunches of steamy romance novels. But the stuff on this website fascinated me and replused me at the same time.

The “kallahs” section isn’t too bad – it’s basically girls writing thins like, “Omg what happens on your wedding night? I heard a rumor that it’s something like this…” (poor girl, your kallah teacher better teach you well or you’re going to be crying after the wedding) or “I’m so scared” or “I hate my body can I just wear a burka?” etc, etc. I was heartened by the fact that there were other girls like me, scared and confused and excited but not knowing what to do about it. Really, though, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Truthfully, I was more interested in the sequence of events than anything else. Like, when do you shower, how do you get your hair down, when do you get to the good stuff…anyway.

Because I’m a total nerd, I didn’t read the regular “Intimate” section, because I was not yet married, so I felt it was better for me to stick with the begginer stuff first. Of course, after awhile I became totally addicted to these mini-melodramas and after awhile, the kallah’s section didn’t interest me anymore. I decided to move on.

And it was….interesting.

People like to say that Jews are ashamed of their bodies, of their sexuality.  Being modest, of course, doesn’t mean ashamed, though to a free-for-all secular culture it certinally seems that way. One of the first things I learned in Kallah class was that all those feelings and desires you have are 100% kosher, and good. You are supposed to desire your husband. It was very hard for me, personally, to wrap my mind around that.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t feeling the right things…it was that I felt guilty for it. It’s hard when your whole life everyone’s like, “Boys are bad! They only want one thing!” and now it’s like, “Boys are good! Give ‘em that one thing!”

My point is, it’s wonderful that I see such an outpouring of sexuality in the Jewish comminuty. But there’s something just twisted about the whole thing. There are the more normal posts, things like, “I feel something weird,” or “How can I please my wife?”, or even, “Is this halachically acceptable?” While everything there is very explicit, it’s all anonymous, which I guess makes it a little better. People usually give good advice.

But then there are the totally innapropriate things, like, “Where’s the weirdest place?” Why do we need to know that? Why are we discussing this? There are threads that are even racier, that are “just for fun”. What do you mean, just for fun? Even though it’s anonymouse, it’s still totally wrong. If you need advice, fine. If you just want to brag about your sexual exploits, that’s a totally different thing. And it totally goes against everything the Torah stands for. And everyone who’se ever complained about it are are told, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it!” But that’s NOT the point. The point isn’t that I should ignore something that I don’t like. It’s that I should speak out about something that I feel is wrong. And that’s the difference.

It’s entertaining, yes. But if you need kicks like that, go check out some non-Jewish website, where reading about deviant social behaviors won’t turn your stomach.

It’s Hard

It’s hard being married. I’m not going to lie you. I wish, all the time, that thing were easier. I wish that I was rich. I wish that I didn’t have to work so hard. I wish that I didn’t have to go school.

I wish that there weren’t so many dishes to wash, clothes to fold, and things to put away. I wish that all my gifts were toiveled already, that the floor didn’t have to be swept and mopped, and that I would stop breaking so many drinking glasses.

I wish that food wasn’t so expensive.

I wish that I wasn’t surrounded by a community in which wasting money and showing off is a national pastime. I wish I wouldn’t get jealous whenever I hear about someone taking a honeymoon right after their marriage, or going somewhere fun, or even going out to eat, because we can’t afford that and won’t be able to for some time.

I wish that I didn’t feel guilty right now for buying lunch because I was late this morning.

Most of all I wish that I could be a better wife. I know, I know, everyone tells me that Shana Rishona is hard and you have to get used to living with another person who is very different from you. And as hard as it is to listen to that when you’re a blushing bride, it’s 100% true. But listening doesn’t make it any easier. Building a relationship with another person – a boy, no less! – is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes everything I have and that’s tiring as well.

Sometimes, it seems the work never ends – emotionally or physically.

There are many things for me to be thankful for. But it’s so hard for me to concentrate on the good things when I’m tired and stressed out. I don’t like to think of myself as a negative person but I’m just so damn tired! And it makes me feel even worse that I know that this is just the beginning of the road…it’s just going to get harder!

But even though it is hard, I am thankful for lots of things as well. I should stop wishing, and spend the time I waste by doing things that have to get done, and by thanking Hashem for all the blessings He’s given me. I’m going to see what I’m thankful for, give myself a little boost.

I’m thankful for a good job, that, even though very stressful, is steady and accommodating of my hours, so I can go to school and put food on the table.

I’m thankful for my apartment, which was a lucky find in a very competitive market.

I’m thankful for my health, my eyelashes and my teeth. (Hey, I like my eyelashes and teeth!)

I’m thankful to my parents, for being so wonderful and supportive, even if they are annoying at times. They have given H and I so much and we would not have made it without them. Plus they give us lots of leftovers.

But most of all I’m thankful to Hashem for my husband, who listens to me when I cry and strokes my hair and tells me everything is going to be ok, even when he’s not sure himself. He listens to my when I whine and tries to make me happy as best he can. He moved to my community because it was easier for me, and it’s been hard on him with switching schools, but he never ever complains, because he doesn’t want to upset me. And no matter how horrible I think I’m being, he still loves me.

Sometimes, the everyday drudgery does take it’s toll. When I’m washing my one millionth dish, for example, or cooking or doing laundry because H has no socks and he keeps forgetting to buy more. I can’t always come home and look at my husband’s smiling face and feel instantly better. I’m not happy all the time just because I’m married (as many single girls think married people must be, as they wait impatiently for their besheret.) But by listing all the things I am (well, should be) thankful for, my list of wishes seems kind of pathetic.

I know it could be a lot worse.

It’s hard not to wish, though.

Me Me Me…and Unmarried Friends

I wonder if other newly marrieds ever want just time to themselves. I love my husband dearly, and I love spending time with him. But sometimes, I just want to kick back, eat some ice cream, and watch old Sex and the City reruns without worrying about my husband overhearing the, er, bad parts. Right now my husband is at school, and I am thoroughly enjoying my alone time. Does that make me a bad person? I do miss him, though.

Also, it gives me a chance to blog, cause he don’t know about this baby. Does that make me a bad person too? I like having something that’s just for me. Plus, it gives me complete leave to write what I want without worrying about him reading it. Once I get more comfortable with this whole blog thingy, I was planning on writing about more personal things too.

Anyway. I just wanted to vent a little on unmarried friends who get resentful when their married friends can’t keep in touch as well as they did when they were single. Granted, I was like that when my first friend got married. But I was also 18 years old and still in Shana Alef. And as more and more of my friends got married, I got used to the fact that they dropped off the face of the Earth.

Now I just got married. I was 20 when I got married. I’m the first of my seminary friends to get married, the first of my close-knit group. And I understand that it’s hard that they never hear from me anymore (they never see my anyway cause they’re in college in the city). I do, I really really do. But I’m so freakin’ busy! I’m holding down two jobs. I go to school and work, and I’m busy until at least 8:30pm every single night. Then I come home and, even if I don’t have to make dinner and wash dishes, etc (which I usually do anyway) I still have another person, who, although 22 years old and almost six feet tall, likes to be taken care of. My relationship with my husband takes first priority, and every drop of energy left in my tired body goes to him first.  At the end of the weekday, I have nothing left. Really.

And it doesn’t make me feel better when you are a snot to me about it. It doesn’t make me want to call you any more. And no matter what problem you have with me or my situation – weather you are jealous, upset that I don’t call you, think I’m an annoying newly married, whatever – it does not give you a right to come to my house for shabbos and start elaborating to my husband about some of my bad qualities. You’re 22 years old. Grow up. He’ll discover them soon enough on his own. I don’t need you painting a bad picture of me to my husband, thank you very much. I’m sorry that you are feeling neglected but you do have other friends, and it’s not that I don’t like you anymore. I’m just busy!

Sorry. I really do undertand how frusterated single people can be when thier friend first get married. I was in your boat not too long ago. But I just wanted to give my side a little chance. Being married is hard. Shana Rishona is hard. It’s a huge responsibilty and process to build a relashonship with the person you are going to be spending the rest of your life with. The fact that it’s very enjoyable doesn’t make it any easier, to tell you the truth. And the cold hard truth is……….and I hate to say this, cause every single unmarried person is going to stone me…..your husband is the most important person in your life. Period. More important than your parents, your siblings, and, sorry to say, your friends.

I love you. But I’m busy.

There’s Someone for Everyone

I have a friend. Well, she’s a friend who I used to be close with, then we went to different seminaries, and she started hanging out with her Brooklyn friends again and we kinda just drifted apart. Anyway, she lives down the block from me, so we have a weird pseudo-friendly relationship. Describing this could take days, so I’ll just move onto my point.

Anyway, she got engaged a few weeks before my wedding. She was – is – one of those girls who wanted to get married since she was like, two years old, and has been dating since the day she got home from seminary. She was always into this guy or that guy, obsessing about every new date endlessly until the next guy came along. It was incredibly annoying. She’s always been attracted to guys that I can’t stand – hockers, smartasses, guys who think they’re God’s gift to the world. She even told me why – “‘Cause if I marry a guy like that, whose sooooo cool, it means he chose me! I’m special!” Ugh. Give me a break. Guys like that aren’t ever worth your time.

So she got engaged. And her husband Is. A. Total. Jackass. I’m not kidding. Everyone who meets him – everyone whose normal, that is – agrees with me. When I first met him, I wanted to slap him he was such a jerk. He kept saying how hot my friend was, in front of her face, and made hand motions in front of his chest – I think unconsciously, though – to show how, er, well endowed she was. And at their vort he was hockin’ it up, and every time a friend of his came over to wish him mazal tov he was like, “Isn’t my kallah the hottest thing?”

It literally made me ill. I can’t understand how anyone could like those kind of guys. I guess there’s someone for everyone, but OMG. It’s nauseating. And when I think about it, I get so angry. I don’t know why. I have a wonderful husband who is everything I ever wanted. Sorry to sound so newly-weddy. So why do I get angry?

Is it because guys like that can still get sweet girls who, if they were with a better guy, would act sweeter instead of more obnoxious, superfical, and Brookly-ny? Is it because I think that he won’t love her the way he should? Is it because I wish that guys like that would never get the girl, so they can learn their lessons? Arrg. It just makes me so angry. I don’t really know why. But it does. Errr.

I hope she never wants to double-date.