Marriage Modesty

I’m doing a report on tznius and modesty in the modern world (due tomorrow, yeah right it’s going to be finished on time) and while I was researching it, I got to thinking. All that blather our teachers spew at us in high school and seminary about “attractive but not attracting” and “tznius is for yourself, not for men” really begins to make a lot more sense once you’re married.

Not to say if didn’t make sense while I was single. I was never an Orthoslut (as H so nicely puts those chicks who ju-u-u-st get by with tugging and pulling on skirts and waistbands), even when many of my friends were – though it’s more a high school phase. But your heart is really fighting with your mind here. As much as I wanted to look nice and tznius and as religious as I felt I should be, I also wanted to look good. Alright, I’ll admit it. I wanted to look hot. And any girl who says she doesn’t like appreciative glances from guys is totally lying.

But I fought the urge and I think I passed for the slightly yeshivish-open minded-not BY girl that I am. And I got married and a whole new world of modesty is now open to me.

It’s harder for me to get dressed in the morning. The motivation to look good for shidduchim, or impress other girls, or look pretty, just isn’t present in the same way. Of course I want to look pretty for H, and I do. But he’s also seen me at my worst and at my best, it’s harder to put in the effort when I know that he’s seen me without makeup, anyway. I don’t need to look nice every second “just in case”. I don’t care as much about other girls opinions because they are no longer potential shadchans.

And then I started thinkin’. Would I have just thrown on a sweatshirt every day when I was single if not for the ever-present fear of meeting someone important? Would I not have put so much effort into my makeup without guys to impress? And I’ve come to the conclusion – yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

And that disturbs me a little bit. Do I put so little value in my appearance that I only do it to impress others? On the other hand, the desire to dress to impress is much less, which makes it much easier for me to be tznius.

So which is better, a total lack of caring or a hard mitzva made easier? I’m not sure. I do try to look nice most of the time, I’m exaggerating a little bit that I totally don’t care. I do. Sometimes I get in these fits of ugliness and run to put on makeup and nice clothes. Most of the time I look pretty decent. But I don’t worry as much. I dress to please me more and others less. And I think that’s a pretty good thing, all in all.

Then again, I hear that some wives like to dress even more untznuis, so there husband isn’t shamed that he has an unattractive wife, or so he won’t look at all the other sluttily dressed wives. And that makes me very very sad.