Dropping the ball

I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather, as you might have been able to tell from my last post. I just re-read it now and I was like, what was I thinking? But I guess everyone’s allowed to have a bad day now and again.

I’ve been dropping the ball when it comes to school. Officially I start at 10, but I haven’t been at that class in ages because I keep taking a later train into school. I’m just so tired all the time – stressed out at work, and tutoring, and H. It’s a lot. It’s like I said to H yesterday – it’s like my life is a triangle: marriage, work, and school, and I can only have two at a time. I can either be married and in school, or in school and working, or married and working, but I cannot be all three at once. I don’t think there will be any serious repercussions (it’s Touro, what do you want) but I still feel horribly guilty. Even though officially I’m “all growed up” my first instinct yesterday (when I stayed home cause the first thing I did when I got up was throw up and no, I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant) was to call my mother and ask her permission to skip school. Pathetic, I know, but old habits die hard.

Priorities, priorities.

Last week my mother called me with a shidduch suggestion for a friend of mine, and when she called she said, “Well, I have this boy I met,” and my first reaction was, “Oooh, what’s he like?” – as if he was for me! As bad as dating can be, there is that little flash of interest and excitement, to know someone is thinking about you at all in “that way”. Of course, once the whole checking him out/waiting for a reply thing sets in, the flash fades – but there is still a tingle of excitement while you anticipate the date, choose your outfit, and the moment right before he comes when you feel like you’re going to throw up. Ah, dating. It’s an experience like no other.

My Dose!

Gaaah, I have a cold. I went to sleep last night with wet hair and the window open, so I guess it’s mostly (all?) my fault. But aahh! I hate this. I can barely breath and my boss is being b*tchier than you usual.  *breath*

Ah, rich married friends who do nothing all day long. They make me crazy. I was supposed to go out to dinner yesterday with a couple of friends of mine, and of course I planned my day around it because I needed to organize myself – school, job, etc – and then no one would answer the phone so I left a message with her that I was not waiting around for them to call me back, and I went home, and made my whole family crazy. Whatever I’m not explaining this well, but I’m just annoyed. A whole bunch of my friends who got married right away come from , or married into, very wealthy families, and it’s a totally different ball game. They got married, moved to Israel, their husband’s learned, and they did nothing all day long. It’s just so frustrating when people don’t understand commitments and responsibilities and life. One of my friends even had her live-in from her parent’s house come and clean her tiny apartment when she got married! Hello! Sometimes it’s impossible.

Right now I want to eat pancakes and peppermint ice cream (go Baskin Robbins!) and sweet complex carbs and not have to cook for shabbos.  Today is one of those days.

I know I have nothing really interesting to say, but I felt like I should post because it’s been awhile. Though nothing major has happened. H and I had an argument yesterday about a shirt that I just got. He said it’s too formfitting and I said it’s fine. I have a lot of v-neck shirts and sweaters so I usually wear a t-shirt and then another shirt over that, so I think he’s just not used to seeing me in a T-shirt like material. I really really want to keep the shirt, but H doesn’t want me to. But I want to! Arrrrg. I don’t know what to do. I know I should do what makes H happy (as he would do for me) but I really don’t think the shirt is untzniyus and I want it and I feel trapped a little bit into doing what he wants when I don’t want to.

Ok, I’m not making any sense. I’m going to go now before I make a complete fool of myself.

Learner/Earner

Ah, the learner/earner. The elusive boy, working but koveia ittim, worldly yet grounded in a Torah lifestyle. Many girls long passionately for him, but the learner/earner is a rare find indeed.

That’s the type of guy I wanted, and hardly anyone (actually, nobody except the shadchan who set H and I up) actually listened to me. They set me up on a disastrous date with a learner, they set me up with total nebach cases (ie: working only, dropped of yeshiva, or slightly off, you know what I mean), they set me up with guys who could not be distinguished from a bum off the street. I say “earner/learner”. It’s a valid term for shidduch purposes! In what way does “earner/learner” sound like “bum”, “reject”, “modern” or even “not religious”? Geez. Anyway, I digress.

But in the end, B”H, I got exactly what I wanted. My husband goes to yeshiva in the morning and goes to school in the afternoon. He will, if everything works out (please God, please!) go to medical school next year or so. A learner/earner, indeed. See girls? They do exist!

Now, I knew when I married H that he would not be able to be in yeshiva part time once he’s in medical school, and maybe not even when he’s in pre-med, like now. Next semester his schedule looks pretty busy, so he probably won’t be able to go at all. H wants to learn every day, he knows he has to, so he’s going to try and organize a chavrusa or something. But nothing’s definite.

But I guess seminary had more of an impact on me that I realized (and I did not go to a BY seminary in any sense of the word). Yesterday, H skipped yeshiva because he had too much homework to catch up on (which, in my opinion, he could have done the night before, but H’s a big procrastinator). And it really upset me. And when I heard that he wouldn’t be able to go to yeshiva next semester, that upset me too.

When I’m working and tutoring and going to school, I know that I’m making money – and learning in order to eventually make money – so that while H is in medical school I can work. I know this. I knew this the whole time. But it makes me feel even better when I know he’s in yeshiva, learning. And I never, ever thought I would feel this way. It’s so weird, it goes against everything I thought I knew about myself. But I guess I can still surprise me. I love knowing my husband is in the bais medresh, learning, shteiging away. It gives me a level of spiritual satisfaction that is absent when I know H is “just” in college.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my husband is doing something smart and admirable. And I know I’ll never be a kollel wife. But I guess I have more of that in me than I though.

Torah is the ikur, huh?

Psychology and Philosophy

You know how in Touro a lot of girls major in psychology? The majority of them are just sitting around, waiting to get married. It’s kind of a joke. I would say that at least 50% of Touro is in psychology. Less than half of them end up doing something with it. This always annoyed a little bit, because a) I didn’t feel it was right for them to waste their parent’s money and a perfectly good college education while they wait to get married and b) I hate psychology. So anyway, that’s one end of the spectrum.

On the other end are people like a friend of mine. She is in college now, and she was originally majoring in sociology. Now she’s switching to philosophy, and she’s going to go to graduate school and get her Masters in philosophy, which is a totally useless degree, practicality-wise. She’s a big intellectual and loves to be in school and learn, but a big part of me is like, why are you wasting your parent’s time and money? Don’t you want to get married and have a family? She’s in no rush to start dating (even though she’s 22), but iy”H when she does get married, what’s she going to have? Is she going to live in a unrealistic dreamworld where her husband will be fed with her philosophical musings, and her children clothed in pages of her intellectually stimulating books?

Maybe it’s because a part of me is resentful that I’ll never have that luxury again, of just picking up and choosing where my life will go with no regard to anyone else. My college situation is falling apart a little bit, because there are some classes that are going to interfere with my work schedule and if I don’t work, I’ll be fired. And if I get fired, I have no money, because my husband is in school full-time.

I feel like I’m working so hard here, making sacrifices, and my friend is all like, “Oh yeah, I’m going to be in school for the next ten years getting my Master’s and PhD in something that has no practical use. Why? Because I like it!” I know that eventually she will get married. But what bothers me is that she’s not planning for it. She’s living her life the way she wants it, as if marriage will just be a minor inconvenience, as if a wedding will be a vacation before she gets back to her real life.

And I ask myself: though it bothers me, is this admirable or selfish? Should a girl of marriageable age plan her life around the (hopefully) inevitable husband and family? Or should she, in this day of the modern college student, live life the way she likes, do what she wants to do, and fit her husband in as an afterthought?

I was always under the impression that to Jewish girls, family comes first. But should that come as a sacrifice to what you want? But what if what you want is impractical, selfish, flighty, unreasonable, or just plain silly?

Which is more important, goals or a family? What is more real, what you want or what you need? Do you need a husband, or does a great job, or learning about something that’s interesting, for you take first priority?

Should you be a practical Touro psychology student or a impractical philosophy student?

Should I be happy that I’m doing the most for my new family, a family that is important to me, or should I feel silly that I didn’t do exactly what I wanted when I was single, in the hopes that I would get married?

Shabbos Guests

My mother never liked having shabbos guets too much. She worked really hard and so by the end of the week, all she wanted to do was sit down and relax.

But I love having shabbos guests! The cooking and cleaning is very tiring, and it can be a little expensive, but it’s so nice! When it’s just H and me, we’re too lazy to get out of the house at all, so we get stir crazy and start snipping at each other a little bit. Plus, it just doesn’t feel as shabbostic when it’s only the two of you, he wearing his undershirt all day, and you in a mishmash of snood, his T-shirt, and some shleppy skirt cause you’re too lazy to get dressed in the morning. We always get dressed for Friday night, though.

But I’m happy. I liked to cook and make a beautiful meal, it gives me great enjoyment to see people scarfing up my food. I’m having a few of my friends over for the meals, and I told them to bring wine. Should be yummy.

Ah, shabbos. What would we do without it?

Oh, and I just had another thought about shabbos guests. I have a friend from sem who’se really sweet and nice. She just moved to my city to go to college, and she called me right away and said, “Can I come for Shabbos?” Now, she is a really great girl. We get along swimmingly. The only problem is….she dresses really slutty. Really, really slutty.

And a big part of me was like, I don’t want her around my husband. Especially for all of shabbos. She’s also very flirty in that kind of I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing kinda way. I spoke to H about it and he’s like, well, of COURSE you are the most beautiful girl I know and I would NEVER look at another girl (he he he’s learning well) but I don’t know if it’s the best thing to have her in the house. So then a part of me went, “Omg! You’re going to be looking at her!”. Well, when I got other THAT, I was like, well, it’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that why bring something into my house that he and I are not comfortable with? I’m not a miss BY innocent girl over here, but she dressed so bad that even when I was in Israel walking around with her I was embarrassed to be seen with her. He clothes were (and still are) skintight. It’s shocking. Shocking!

But she asked me again if she could come for shabbos…in person. I was like, sure! But help! What should I do? How do I not have in her my home without hurting her feelings?

Body Image

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, body image in marriage. It’s very different than being single.

Society, especially NY society, places a lot of emphasis on being thin. Girls diet and diet themselves down to that elusive 2 (or 0, really, for that matter) in the hopes that being thinnest will make them the best. It’s a lot of pressure, especially when you are….well, not a 2. Not even close.

So while I was dating, I knew that I got rejections because of the way I looked. I had dates, and truthfully I wasn’t so into dating in general, but they could have been more. And it bothered me a little bit, but my philosophy was, “Hey. If he isn’t going to go out with me because he heard that I’m not thin, then I don’t want him anyway.” And I didn’t. Want those guys, I mean.

And then I met my husband, and he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the room. I’m not thin, not nearly. Probably never will be.  By my husband loves every inch of me, and always has. But what means the most to me about this is, not that he’s objectively attracted to my body type, but that he makes me feel beautiful.

So I should be happy, right?

I guess just I can’t believe him all of the time. A lifetime of being somewhat insecure (though really, not much more than anyone else) about my looks does not dissapear in a few months of marriage. Many girls are very insecure about they way they look, even if they are beautiful. Girls can spend hours and hours discussing thier flaws. And just because you get married to a guy who obviously finds you attractive (or else he would not have married you, trust me)…should I instantly belive that I am beautiful? Does one guy thinking you are pretty make you pretty? What if you were really ugly, but your husband thought you were gorgeous? Should the one person who matters most in your life finding you attractive matter more than the rest of the world who, really, doesn’t give a darn about you?

Probably. I’ll try to convince myself. What do you think?

Fighting

There is nothing I hate more than fighting with my husband.

I always know when we’re going to have a fight. Usually, what happens is he’ll say something that I instantly get hurt or upset at, and the inside of my ribcage starts to squirm. Then I’ll try to ignore it and get over it, but when I get quiet H know’s something’s wrong, and when he asks me about it I invariably say, “Nothing,” in an upset tone of voice, and then he gets upset because I’ll just get mad without telling him or asking him for an explination first, and it just goes downhill from there.

I don’t recall H ever starting a fight, or getting upset at me for something without asking me about it first (a fact he reminded me about while we were fighting last night). It’s always been me, and now I feel even more horrible because the fight could have been prevented by me, and ended much earlier by me, and it’s my fault. Me.

Sometimes I feel like the worst wife ever. I’m much better about this whole being overly sensetive thing, but I still screw up sometimes.

We were up until like 1am last night, fighting and then….er, making up.

But still. All the makeup lovin’ in the world can’t completely take away this awful feeling. H is totally happy go lucky right now, but it’s going to take me awhile before I stop feeling sick.

Sigh.

It’s been a long week.

Kosher…ish?

Before I got married I was understandably, well, nevouse about the whole wedding-night thing. I asked my married friends (oh, they were oh-so-wise) all my questions, and my friend, who had gotten married well over a year before (I know, 18, child bride) reffered me to Calm Kallahs.

Now, I don’t know how many of you know what Calm Kallahs is. Basically, it’s a website that, while touting itslef as a kind of “one-stop Kallah shop” is actually just a website that has a link to message boards that have several topics. Of course, the only ones people read are the “Intimacy” ones. They even have a special one for kallahs, so when I logged on the first time I was really excited.

Now,  I am not a sheltered girl. Obviously, I am more sheltered than your average secular young adult, but I’ve watched my fare share of movies and read bunches of steamy romance novels. But the stuff on this website fascinated me and replused me at the same time.

The “kallahs” section isn’t too bad – it’s basically girls writing thins like, “Omg what happens on your wedding night? I heard a rumor that it’s something like this…” (poor girl, your kallah teacher better teach you well or you’re going to be crying after the wedding) or “I’m so scared” or “I hate my body can I just wear a burka?” etc, etc. I was heartened by the fact that there were other girls like me, scared and confused and excited but not knowing what to do about it. Really, though, it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Truthfully, I was more interested in the sequence of events than anything else. Like, when do you shower, how do you get your hair down, when do you get to the good stuff…anyway.

Because I’m a total nerd, I didn’t read the regular “Intimate” section, because I was not yet married, so I felt it was better for me to stick with the begginer stuff first. Of course, after awhile I became totally addicted to these mini-melodramas and after awhile, the kallah’s section didn’t interest me anymore. I decided to move on.

And it was….interesting.

People like to say that Jews are ashamed of their bodies, of their sexuality.  Being modest, of course, doesn’t mean ashamed, though to a free-for-all secular culture it certinally seems that way. One of the first things I learned in Kallah class was that all those feelings and desires you have are 100% kosher, and good. You are supposed to desire your husband. It was very hard for me, personally, to wrap my mind around that.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t feeling the right things…it was that I felt guilty for it. It’s hard when your whole life everyone’s like, “Boys are bad! They only want one thing!” and now it’s like, “Boys are good! Give ‘em that one thing!”

My point is, it’s wonderful that I see such an outpouring of sexuality in the Jewish comminuty. But there’s something just twisted about the whole thing. There are the more normal posts, things like, “I feel something weird,” or “How can I please my wife?”, or even, “Is this halachically acceptable?” While everything there is very explicit, it’s all anonymous, which I guess makes it a little better. People usually give good advice.

But then there are the totally innapropriate things, like, “Where’s the weirdest place?” Why do we need to know that? Why are we discussing this? There are threads that are even racier, that are “just for fun”. What do you mean, just for fun? Even though it’s anonymouse, it’s still totally wrong. If you need advice, fine. If you just want to brag about your sexual exploits, that’s a totally different thing. And it totally goes against everything the Torah stands for. And everyone who’se ever complained about it are are told, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it!” But that’s NOT the point. The point isn’t that I should ignore something that I don’t like. It’s that I should speak out about something that I feel is wrong. And that’s the difference.

It’s entertaining, yes. But if you need kicks like that, go check out some non-Jewish website, where reading about deviant social behaviors won’t turn your stomach.

It’s Hard

It’s hard being married. I’m not going to lie you. I wish, all the time, that thing were easier. I wish that I was rich. I wish that I didn’t have to work so hard. I wish that I didn’t have to go school.

I wish that there weren’t so many dishes to wash, clothes to fold, and things to put away. I wish that all my gifts were toiveled already, that the floor didn’t have to be swept and mopped, and that I would stop breaking so many drinking glasses.

I wish that food wasn’t so expensive.

I wish that I wasn’t surrounded by a community in which wasting money and showing off is a national pastime. I wish I wouldn’t get jealous whenever I hear about someone taking a honeymoon right after their marriage, or going somewhere fun, or even going out to eat, because we can’t afford that and won’t be able to for some time.

I wish that I didn’t feel guilty right now for buying lunch because I was late this morning.

Most of all I wish that I could be a better wife. I know, I know, everyone tells me that Shana Rishona is hard and you have to get used to living with another person who is very different from you. And as hard as it is to listen to that when you’re a blushing bride, it’s 100% true. But listening doesn’t make it any easier. Building a relationship with another person – a boy, no less! – is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes everything I have and that’s tiring as well.

Sometimes, it seems the work never ends – emotionally or physically.

There are many things for me to be thankful for. But it’s so hard for me to concentrate on the good things when I’m tired and stressed out. I don’t like to think of myself as a negative person but I’m just so damn tired! And it makes me feel even worse that I know that this is just the beginning of the road…it’s just going to get harder!

But even though it is hard, I am thankful for lots of things as well. I should stop wishing, and spend the time I waste by doing things that have to get done, and by thanking Hashem for all the blessings He’s given me. I’m going to see what I’m thankful for, give myself a little boost.

I’m thankful for a good job, that, even though very stressful, is steady and accommodating of my hours, so I can go to school and put food on the table.

I’m thankful for my apartment, which was a lucky find in a very competitive market.

I’m thankful for my health, my eyelashes and my teeth. (Hey, I like my eyelashes and teeth!)

I’m thankful to my parents, for being so wonderful and supportive, even if they are annoying at times. They have given H and I so much and we would not have made it without them. Plus they give us lots of leftovers.

But most of all I’m thankful to Hashem for my husband, who listens to me when I cry and strokes my hair and tells me everything is going to be ok, even when he’s not sure himself. He listens to my when I whine and tries to make me happy as best he can. He moved to my community because it was easier for me, and it’s been hard on him with switching schools, but he never ever complains, because he doesn’t want to upset me. And no matter how horrible I think I’m being, he still loves me.

Sometimes, the everyday drudgery does take it’s toll. When I’m washing my one millionth dish, for example, or cooking or doing laundry because H has no socks and he keeps forgetting to buy more. I can’t always come home and look at my husband’s smiling face and feel instantly better. I’m not happy all the time just because I’m married (as many single girls think married people must be, as they wait impatiently for their besheret.) But by listing all the things I am (well, should be) thankful for, my list of wishes seems kind of pathetic.

I know it could be a lot worse.

It’s hard not to wish, though.

Ah! Progress!

My husband is in a bad mood today. I called him from school to say hi after I knew he was going to be home from Yeshiva, as I usually do. He picked up the phone, and he sounded really distracted through our entire conversation. When I asked him why, he finally said, “Lab was really awful today. I’m in a really bad mood. But I don’t want to talk about it now.”

 Now, I know from experience (and several fights) that when H’s in a bad mood, it doesn’t mean he’s mad at me. You do not even understand how long it took me to understand this (hence the fights). H says it’s like that for guys; they can be mad about something, and just that something, without hating the whole world.

This was a foreign concept to me. I don’t know about you, but when I (and most girls I know) am upset about something, I get upset about everything. When I’m in a bad mood, I’m in a bad mood completely. I can’t talk like a normal person or not think about what’s upsetting me. When H used to talk to me while I knew he was upset at me about something, I would get annoyed ’cause I thought he was forcing himself to talk to me. However, he would always say, “Just because I’m mad about something else doesn’t mean I’m mad at everything.” Insane, right?

But it makes it much easier for me, because I know that when he comes home tonight a) he’ll probably be over it already and b) It’s not my fault that he’s in a bad mood. I used to really think that, even though I know that it has nothing to do with me, it’s still my fault somehow. And then I would get defensive and be all like, “I’m sorry you’re in a bad mood, ok?” and he’d be like, “Why are you getting upset?” and I would be like, “Because it’s not my fault that you’re in a bad mood,” and he would look at me like I was crazy and say, “I know that, I’m just in a bad mood,” and on and on and on. I know, I’m stupid. It sounds so ridiculous when I type this out but at the time…

This is a major breakthrough. H would be so proud of me. If he was reading this blog, that is.

Oh, and in case you haven’t caught on yet, my husband shall henceforth be reffered to simply as “H”. It’s much easier than writing “my husband” a million times and “DH” annoyes me.