A Dating Retrospetive

I had this really long conversation with my cousin last night about dating. She grew up really, really modern, and she went to Israel last year and semi-flipped out, and decided to only wear skirts and cover her hair when she gets married. We’re all really proud of her (though her mother is having a flip attack). Anyway, when I got married, she was all like, “I can’t imagine how you do it, I could never sleep with a guy I’ve never kissed. How can you know you want to marry someone that you’ve only known for a few weeks?” But last weekend she was set up on a blind date with this guy that’s best friends with one of her guy friends, and it went great. And because she liked him so much, all of a sudden she’s all, “I can be shomer for him” and “I finally understand that it doesn’t matter!” Besides for the fact that it’s cute how she did such an about face when it comes to a guy she likes, what made me think long and hard about this conversation was how different dating is when you actually like someone, and how different dating is from a perspective of someone who hasn’t grown up in the shidduch world.

I guess for people who are yeshivish enough to shidduch date (and this could be a very wide spectrum), and who grow up in a community that does, blind dating is normal and expected. It’s weird when someone meets her husband in a different way. Per usual Jewish-community gossip regulations, ever aspect of this unusual situation is discussed. “I heard they met in Brooklyn College and dated for a year!” It’s cute, of course, and everyone is secretly jealous that it was so gosh-darned easy for them. But once again, it’s unusual. As silly as it sounds, it’s just the way things are. Truthfully, though I think the shidduch system sucks eggs (though not with End The Madness zealousness) I can’t think of a better way. If you meet somebody in college, or in Starbucks, or whatever, and you like each other (aka: attracted to each other) and you go out for awhile, whose to say you’re both marriage minded? Granted, this is a much more common occurance in secular society. It seems to me that in every chick-lit book I’ve read or chick-flick I’ve watched, it’s always the same story: the guy and girl meet, they date, it starts casual, it gets more serious, but the guy has commitment issues or something and the girl is terrified of even mentioning the word “marriage”. That’s not how a relationship should be! That’s such a waste of time! Why would anyone want that? It’s already all up in the Upper West Side. Ever heard of a teffilin date?

I was never the type of girl who thought she would get engaged after dating someone for two weeks. But I did. And yes, after we were engaged I freaked out and had doubts, because everything moved insanely fast, but truthfully? I knew that I wanted to marry him. It was just that it seemed like my life was moving without me that scared the bejeesus out of me.

But, you may ask, how do you know? How can you know after knowing someone for less than a month that you want to spend your life with them? It’s not an exact science. It’s not the same for everyone. I didn’t know after the first, second, or even third date (though he did). But as unromantic as it sounds, Jewish marriages are not about the “spark” and the “chemistry” and the “head over heals in love” feelings. It’s about similar goals, and building a life together, and wanting to bring out the best in each other. When I sat across that little teeny table in Starbucks with my tall Chai Tea Latte balanced precariously on my knees, I saw someone who made me laugh, who wanted what I wanted out of life, who was a good, kind person. And I could imagine building a life with him. The sparks, chemistry, and head-over-heels feelings came later. Much later. Most of them after we were married. But if the foundation is there, the rest will follow. The “love” that secular society tells us fades after x amount of years together is not the love that we Jews aspire to. We want a love that will only get stronger with each passing day, not weaker with every new wrinkle.

So I’m glad my cousin is seeing what I’m seeing. She may or may not date this guy. She may date him for a year and then break up with him. I have no idea. But at least one formerly bitter-against-yeshivish Modern Orthodox girl has an inkling of why we do the things we do. At least a little bit.