I’m sorry

….but I don’t think I’ll be blogging anymore.

I know this effects like, two people, but I still figured I should say something instead of just disappearing off the face of the earth.

The reasons for this are twofold:

1. I don’t think it’s been good for my marriage. I need to focus on it and be there all the time, and that post I wrote “Get out of my head”? It made me realize that these feelings started when I started blogging. I’m not sure why writing a few posts on the internet made me so discombobulated, but it did. I’ve felt better during these last few weeks when I haven’t been writing. Instead, I’m going to put the energy and thoughts about this blog into my husband.

2. H and I were talking one night and we started discussing blogs. He was very disapproving about the whole idea, even when the blog is about shidduchim, not marriage (I didn’t tell him I have one, of course). He made a good point and it made me think. He said that in the area of marriage, especially, tznius is so important. Your marriage, and what goes on in it, is so private, and it should only be between you and your spouse. And while I argued the point at the time, I’ve thought about it a lot in the last few weeks. And I think he’s right. Not that I’ve ever said anything too revealing. But I’m starting to agree with him, and I also know he’ll be really upset if he ever found out about this. It would be a betrayal of his trust. And I can’t do that to him.

It’s been fun. Don’t worry, I’ll still be commenting on all of your blogs! But the jig’s up for me. Thank you all for reading!

Let me out!

Sometimes I feel like I get lost in my own head.

I never did anything like this before. I wasn’t one for over analyzing. But lately it seems like I can’t seem to do anything without overthinking it.

I can’t seem to talk to my husband without creating stories in my head, Naomi Reagan style, as I speak, like “She spoke to her loving husband while in her heart she felt suffocated by the restrictions her unchosen lifestyle had created,” which is not how I feel at all and it’s driving me insane. It’s like I feel like I have to create drama sometimes for no reason. It doesn’t make me happy. It upsets me actually. But I can’t seem to stop it.

In retrospect it’s kind of funny, but it isn’t really. At all. My head feels like it’s going to explode all the time.

Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? This has been going on for a little bit of time now. I can’t seem to stop it. I’m drawing myself into my own head against my wishes and I can’t escape, I have to over think everything. It’s so frustrating! H said he knows what I’m talking about and I just have to relax, but it’s not helping, because the more I think about it the more frustrated I get and the harder it is to relax.

Otherwise every thing’s good. Too good, perhaps? Do I not trust in my own goodness so much that I have to subconsciously ruin it for myself? Maybe I should dust off my copy of “Men are from Mars.” I remember something about this, vaguely – how when you are in a relationship, all comfortable and happy, old wounds you’ve been suppressing come to the surface in this warm, loving enviorment, because you feel like you can deal with it now. Maybe that’s what happening to me? All this psych stuff confuses me. I’ll have to take a look and update y’all.

Anyway, someone let me know if I’m crazy.

Marriage Modesty

I’m doing a report on tznius and modesty in the modern world (due tomorrow, yeah right it’s going to be finished on time) and while I was researching it, I got to thinking. All that blather our teachers spew at us in high school and seminary about “attractive but not attracting” and “tznius is for yourself, not for men” really begins to make a lot more sense once you’re married.

Not to say if didn’t make sense while I was single. I was never an Orthoslut (as H so nicely puts those chicks who ju-u-u-st get by with tugging and pulling on skirts and waistbands), even when many of my friends were – though it’s more a high school phase. But your heart is really fighting with your mind here. As much as I wanted to look nice and tznius and as religious as I felt I should be, I also wanted to look good. Alright, I’ll admit it. I wanted to look hot. And any girl who says she doesn’t like appreciative glances from guys is totally lying.

But I fought the urge and I think I passed for the slightly yeshivish-open minded-not BY girl that I am. And I got married and a whole new world of modesty is now open to me.

It’s harder for me to get dressed in the morning. The motivation to look good for shidduchim, or impress other girls, or look pretty, just isn’t present in the same way. Of course I want to look pretty for H, and I do. But he’s also seen me at my worst and at my best, it’s harder to put in the effort when I know that he’s seen me without makeup, anyway. I don’t need to look nice every second “just in case”. I don’t care as much about other girls opinions because they are no longer potential shadchans.

And then I started thinkin’. Would I have just thrown on a sweatshirt every day when I was single if not for the ever-present fear of meeting someone important? Would I not have put so much effort into my makeup without guys to impress? And I’ve come to the conclusion – yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

And that disturbs me a little bit. Do I put so little value in my appearance that I only do it to impress others? On the other hand, the desire to dress to impress is much less, which makes it much easier for me to be tznius.

So which is better, a total lack of caring or a hard mitzva made easier? I’m not sure. I do try to look nice most of the time, I’m exaggerating a little bit that I totally don’t care. I do. Sometimes I get in these fits of ugliness and run to put on makeup and nice clothes. Most of the time I look pretty decent. But I don’t worry as much. I dress to please me more and others less. And I think that’s a pretty good thing, all in all.

Then again, I hear that some wives like to dress even more untznuis, so there husband isn’t shamed that he has an unattractive wife, or so he won’t look at all the other sluttily dressed wives. And that makes me very very sad.

Dropping the ball

I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather, as you might have been able to tell from my last post. I just re-read it now and I was like, what was I thinking? But I guess everyone’s allowed to have a bad day now and again.

I’ve been dropping the ball when it comes to school. Officially I start at 10, but I haven’t been at that class in ages because I keep taking a later train into school. I’m just so tired all the time – stressed out at work, and tutoring, and H. It’s a lot. It’s like I said to H yesterday – it’s like my life is a triangle: marriage, work, and school, and I can only have two at a time. I can either be married and in school, or in school and working, or married and working, but I cannot be all three at once. I don’t think there will be any serious repercussions (it’s Touro, what do you want) but I still feel horribly guilty. Even though officially I’m “all growed up” my first instinct yesterday (when I stayed home cause the first thing I did when I got up was throw up and no, I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant) was to call my mother and ask her permission to skip school. Pathetic, I know, but old habits die hard.

Priorities, priorities.

Last week my mother called me with a shidduch suggestion for a friend of mine, and when she called she said, “Well, I have this boy I met,” and my first reaction was, “Oooh, what’s he like?” – as if he was for me! As bad as dating can be, there is that little flash of interest and excitement, to know someone is thinking about you at all in “that way”. Of course, once the whole checking him out/waiting for a reply thing sets in, the flash fades – but there is still a tingle of excitement while you anticipate the date, choose your outfit, and the moment right before he comes when you feel like you’re going to throw up. Ah, dating. It’s an experience like no other.

My Dose!

Gaaah, I have a cold. I went to sleep last night with wet hair and the window open, so I guess it’s mostly (all?) my fault. But aahh! I hate this. I can barely breath and my boss is being b*tchier than you usual.  *breath*

Ah, rich married friends who do nothing all day long. They make me crazy. I was supposed to go out to dinner yesterday with a couple of friends of mine, and of course I planned my day around it because I needed to organize myself – school, job, etc – and then no one would answer the phone so I left a message with her that I was not waiting around for them to call me back, and I went home, and made my whole family crazy. Whatever I’m not explaining this well, but I’m just annoyed. A whole bunch of my friends who got married right away come from , or married into, very wealthy families, and it’s a totally different ball game. They got married, moved to Israel, their husband’s learned, and they did nothing all day long. It’s just so frustrating when people don’t understand commitments and responsibilities and life. One of my friends even had her live-in from her parent’s house come and clean her tiny apartment when she got married! Hello! Sometimes it’s impossible.

Right now I want to eat pancakes and peppermint ice cream (go Baskin Robbins!) and sweet complex carbs and not have to cook for shabbos.  Today is one of those days.

I know I have nothing really interesting to say, but I felt like I should post because it’s been awhile. Though nothing major has happened. H and I had an argument yesterday about a shirt that I just got. He said it’s too formfitting and I said it’s fine. I have a lot of v-neck shirts and sweaters so I usually wear a t-shirt and then another shirt over that, so I think he’s just not used to seeing me in a T-shirt like material. I really really want to keep the shirt, but H doesn’t want me to. But I want to! Arrrrg. I don’t know what to do. I know I should do what makes H happy (as he would do for me) but I really don’t think the shirt is untzniyus and I want it and I feel trapped a little bit into doing what he wants when I don’t want to.

Ok, I’m not making any sense. I’m going to go now before I make a complete fool of myself.

Learner/Earner

Ah, the learner/earner. The elusive boy, working but koveia ittim, worldly yet grounded in a Torah lifestyle. Many girls long passionately for him, but the learner/earner is a rare find indeed.

That’s the type of guy I wanted, and hardly anyone (actually, nobody except the shadchan who set H and I up) actually listened to me. They set me up on a disastrous date with a learner, they set me up with total nebach cases (ie: working only, dropped of yeshiva, or slightly off, you know what I mean), they set me up with guys who could not be distinguished from a bum off the street. I say “earner/learner”. It’s a valid term for shidduch purposes! In what way does “earner/learner” sound like “bum”, “reject”, “modern” or even “not religious”? Geez. Anyway, I digress.

But in the end, B”H, I got exactly what I wanted. My husband goes to yeshiva in the morning and goes to school in the afternoon. He will, if everything works out (please God, please!) go to medical school next year or so. A learner/earner, indeed. See girls? They do exist!

Now, I knew when I married H that he would not be able to be in yeshiva part time once he’s in medical school, and maybe not even when he’s in pre-med, like now. Next semester his schedule looks pretty busy, so he probably won’t be able to go at all. H wants to learn every day, he knows he has to, so he’s going to try and organize a chavrusa or something. But nothing’s definite.

But I guess seminary had more of an impact on me that I realized (and I did not go to a BY seminary in any sense of the word). Yesterday, H skipped yeshiva because he had too much homework to catch up on (which, in my opinion, he could have done the night before, but H’s a big procrastinator). And it really upset me. And when I heard that he wouldn’t be able to go to yeshiva next semester, that upset me too.

When I’m working and tutoring and going to school, I know that I’m making money – and learning in order to eventually make money – so that while H is in medical school I can work. I know this. I knew this the whole time. But it makes me feel even better when I know he’s in yeshiva, learning. And I never, ever thought I would feel this way. It’s so weird, it goes against everything I thought I knew about myself. But I guess I can still surprise me. I love knowing my husband is in the bais medresh, learning, shteiging away. It gives me a level of spiritual satisfaction that is absent when I know H is “just” in college.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that my husband is doing something smart and admirable. And I know I’ll never be a kollel wife. But I guess I have more of that in me than I though.

Torah is the ikur, huh?

Psychology and Philosophy

You know how in Touro a lot of girls major in psychology? The majority of them are just sitting around, waiting to get married. It’s kind of a joke. I would say that at least 50% of Touro is in psychology. Less than half of them end up doing something with it. This always annoyed a little bit, because a) I didn’t feel it was right for them to waste their parent’s money and a perfectly good college education while they wait to get married and b) I hate psychology. So anyway, that’s one end of the spectrum.

On the other end are people like a friend of mine. She is in college now, and she was originally majoring in sociology. Now she’s switching to philosophy, and she’s going to go to graduate school and get her Masters in philosophy, which is a totally useless degree, practicality-wise. She’s a big intellectual and loves to be in school and learn, but a big part of me is like, why are you wasting your parent’s time and money? Don’t you want to get married and have a family? She’s in no rush to start dating (even though she’s 22), but iy”H when she does get married, what’s she going to have? Is she going to live in a unrealistic dreamworld where her husband will be fed with her philosophical musings, and her children clothed in pages of her intellectually stimulating books?

Maybe it’s because a part of me is resentful that I’ll never have that luxury again, of just picking up and choosing where my life will go with no regard to anyone else. My college situation is falling apart a little bit, because there are some classes that are going to interfere with my work schedule and if I don’t work, I’ll be fired. And if I get fired, I have no money, because my husband is in school full-time.

I feel like I’m working so hard here, making sacrifices, and my friend is all like, “Oh yeah, I’m going to be in school for the next ten years getting my Master’s and PhD in something that has no practical use. Why? Because I like it!” I know that eventually she will get married. But what bothers me is that she’s not planning for it. She’s living her life the way she wants it, as if marriage will just be a minor inconvenience, as if a wedding will be a vacation before she gets back to her real life.

And I ask myself: though it bothers me, is this admirable or selfish? Should a girl of marriageable age plan her life around the (hopefully) inevitable husband and family? Or should she, in this day of the modern college student, live life the way she likes, do what she wants to do, and fit her husband in as an afterthought?

I was always under the impression that to Jewish girls, family comes first. But should that come as a sacrifice to what you want? But what if what you want is impractical, selfish, flighty, unreasonable, or just plain silly?

Which is more important, goals or a family? What is more real, what you want or what you need? Do you need a husband, or does a great job, or learning about something that’s interesting, for you take first priority?

Should you be a practical Touro psychology student or a impractical philosophy student?

Should I be happy that I’m doing the most for my new family, a family that is important to me, or should I feel silly that I didn’t do exactly what I wanted when I was single, in the hopes that I would get married?

Shabbos Guests

My mother never liked having shabbos guets too much. She worked really hard and so by the end of the week, all she wanted to do was sit down and relax.

But I love having shabbos guests! The cooking and cleaning is very tiring, and it can be a little expensive, but it’s so nice! When it’s just H and me, we’re too lazy to get out of the house at all, so we get stir crazy and start snipping at each other a little bit. Plus, it just doesn’t feel as shabbostic when it’s only the two of you, he wearing his undershirt all day, and you in a mishmash of snood, his T-shirt, and some shleppy skirt cause you’re too lazy to get dressed in the morning. We always get dressed for Friday night, though.

But I’m happy. I liked to cook and make a beautiful meal, it gives me great enjoyment to see people scarfing up my food. I’m having a few of my friends over for the meals, and I told them to bring wine. Should be yummy.

Ah, shabbos. What would we do without it?

Oh, and I just had another thought about shabbos guests. I have a friend from sem who’se really sweet and nice. She just moved to my city to go to college, and she called me right away and said, “Can I come for Shabbos?” Now, she is a really great girl. We get along swimmingly. The only problem is….she dresses really slutty. Really, really slutty.

And a big part of me was like, I don’t want her around my husband. Especially for all of shabbos. She’s also very flirty in that kind of I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing kinda way. I spoke to H about it and he’s like, well, of COURSE you are the most beautiful girl I know and I would NEVER look at another girl (he he he’s learning well) but I don’t know if it’s the best thing to have her in the house. So then a part of me went, “Omg! You’re going to be looking at her!”. Well, when I got other THAT, I was like, well, it’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that why bring something into my house that he and I are not comfortable with? I’m not a miss BY innocent girl over here, but she dressed so bad that even when I was in Israel walking around with her I was embarrassed to be seen with her. He clothes were (and still are) skintight. It’s shocking. Shocking!

But she asked me again if she could come for shabbos…in person. I was like, sure! But help! What should I do? How do I not have in her my home without hurting her feelings?

Body Image

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, body image in marriage. It’s very different than being single.

Society, especially NY society, places a lot of emphasis on being thin. Girls diet and diet themselves down to that elusive 2 (or 0, really, for that matter) in the hopes that being thinnest will make them the best. It’s a lot of pressure, especially when you are….well, not a 2. Not even close.

So while I was dating, I knew that I got rejections because of the way I looked. I had dates, and truthfully I wasn’t so into dating in general, but they could have been more. And it bothered me a little bit, but my philosophy was, “Hey. If he isn’t going to go out with me because he heard that I’m not thin, then I don’t want him anyway.” And I didn’t. Want those guys, I mean.

And then I met my husband, and he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the room. I’m not thin, not nearly. Probably never will be.  By my husband loves every inch of me, and always has. But what means the most to me about this is, not that he’s objectively attracted to my body type, but that he makes me feel beautiful.

So I should be happy, right?

I guess just I can’t believe him all of the time. A lifetime of being somewhat insecure (though really, not much more than anyone else) about my looks does not dissapear in a few months of marriage. Many girls are very insecure about they way they look, even if they are beautiful. Girls can spend hours and hours discussing thier flaws. And just because you get married to a guy who obviously finds you attractive (or else he would not have married you, trust me)…should I instantly belive that I am beautiful? Does one guy thinking you are pretty make you pretty? What if you were really ugly, but your husband thought you were gorgeous? Should the one person who matters most in your life finding you attractive matter more than the rest of the world who, really, doesn’t give a darn about you?

Probably. I’ll try to convince myself. What do you think?

Fighting

There is nothing I hate more than fighting with my husband.

I always know when we’re going to have a fight. Usually, what happens is he’ll say something that I instantly get hurt or upset at, and the inside of my ribcage starts to squirm. Then I’ll try to ignore it and get over it, but when I get quiet H know’s something’s wrong, and when he asks me about it I invariably say, “Nothing,” in an upset tone of voice, and then he gets upset because I’ll just get mad without telling him or asking him for an explination first, and it just goes downhill from there.

I don’t recall H ever starting a fight, or getting upset at me for something without asking me about it first (a fact he reminded me about while we were fighting last night). It’s always been me, and now I feel even more horrible because the fight could have been prevented by me, and ended much earlier by me, and it’s my fault. Me.

Sometimes I feel like the worst wife ever. I’m much better about this whole being overly sensetive thing, but I still screw up sometimes.

We were up until like 1am last night, fighting and then….er, making up.

But still. All the makeup lovin’ in the world can’t completely take away this awful feeling. H is totally happy go lucky right now, but it’s going to take me awhile before I stop feeling sick.

Sigh.

It’s been a long week.